Is This OCD, or Do I Really Feel This Way?

I like to think of OCD as that really “meta” friend. You know the one. You tell them what you’re thinking, and they respond: “Okay…but what if the ‘you’ that thinks it’s you isn’t actually you?”

Normally, you might laugh and think, Alright, you're going a little too deep here. OCD can be like that friend—except it’s not funny anymore. It’s not creative anymore. And it certainly isn’t what you want to be thinking about the day before your wedding, the moment your baby arrives, or right after you finally get the job you’ve been working toward for years.

OCD has an irritating tendency to question the things that matter most to us:

Do I really love this person? What if I'm not actually happy about having this baby? What if I don't really want this job? What if this isn't OCD at all—what if this is how I actually feel?

And that leads to the question OCD desperately wants answered: How do I know?

The frustrating answer: you don't.

None of us gets absolute certainty about our feelings, relationships, decisions, or future. The difference isn't that people without OCD have some secret ability to know exactly how they feel. The difference is often in how they respond to not knowing.

Someone might think, “What if I'm making a mistake by getting married?” and respond, “Maybe. I don't know. But I love this person and I'm choosing to marry them.” And then they continue getting ready for the wedding.

For someone caught in an OCD cycle, the thought doesn't end there:

But how do I know I love them? Shouldn't I feel more excited? Why did I find that other person attractive? What if I'm ignoring my true feelings? What if I'm just calling this OCD because I'm afraid to admit the truth?

Suddenly you're no longer getting ready for your wedding. You're conducting an investigation into yourself.

Where's that “Ahhh” feeling?

Think about taking the first gulp of an ice-cold Coke on a hot day. You swallow and—ahhh. There's a feeling of completion.

That's often what someone with OCD is desperately searching for mentally: I just need to think about this until I know. I just need to check how I feel one more time.

You're waiting for that internal “Ahhh. Now I know.”

Except it doesn't arrive. Or maybe it does—but only temporarily. You convince yourself you love your partner and feel relief. Ten minutes later: But what if I only convinced myself because I'm afraid of the alternative?

Back into the investigation you go.

OCD can make certainty feel like it's one more thought away. But there is always another question.

What if you keep going without the “Ahhh”?

Instead of continuing to think until you finally feel certain, what if you continue living without that feeling?

You don't get the internal stamp that says 100% CERTAIN. CASE CLOSED. And you move forward anyway. You marry the person you've chosen to marry. You hold your baby. You start the job. You go to dinner. You finish the movie.

You return to your life instead of stopping everything to figure yourself out.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be particularly helpful. Rather than asking, “How can I become certain about what I feel?” we can ask:

“Given that I can't have complete certainty, how do I want to live?”

You can ACT as if the completion occurred—not by pretending you're certain, but by continuing to live even when certainty never arrives.

Because OCD can always produce another question: But how do you know that's really what you want? And who decided that? And what if the person making that decision isn't the real you?

And suddenly our meta friend is back:

“But if I made the choice…who made the choice before the choice…before the choice?”

At some point, we have to stop attending the philosophy seminar.

We make a choice.

And then we keep living.

Ready to Stop Letting OCD Make Every Decision?

If OCD, intrusive thoughts, or the need for certainty is keeping you stuck, therapy can help you learn to move forward without having to solve every “what if.”