Anxiety · OCD · Courage
The Art of Overcoming
Your Fears
In brief
Courage isn't an on/off switch — it's a volume knob. How breaking fears into a hierarchy of small steps builds real, lasting confidence.
We tend to view big acts of courage as the way we overcome our fears.
There is this black-and-white idea:
You either do it, or you don't.
I know this because I lived by this philosophy for many years.
When I was a teenage boy, I was strangely averse to texting a girl to ask her out.
In my mind, sending a message somehow didn't count.
If I wasn't walking up to her, looking her in the eye, and asking her out in person, then I wasn't really being courageous.
And if texting felt easier, that must mean I was doing it wrong.
So what usually happened?
I didn't do anything at all.
It took me some time to realize how much this kind of thinking, combined with my anxiety, prevented me from doing things I actually wanted to do.
iThe Trap of "Go Big or Go Home"
I see the same thing with clients who are afraid of traveling.
They imagine overcoming their fear as:
"I need to book a huge international trip and just do it."
Maybe New Zealand. Maybe Japan. Maybe Europe for two weeks.
Anything less feels like cheating.
But their nervous system is nowhere near ready for that kind of jump.
So one of two things happens.
They don't travel at all.
Or they force themselves through the trip while essentially white-knuckling the entire experience.
They survive it, technically.
But surviving something and learning from it are not always the same thing.
If the entire experience feels like a 10/10 emergency, the lesson your nervous system may walk away with is:
"That was horrible. Never do that again."
This is why I eventually had to throw out the black-and-white philosophy and replace it with something much more useful.
Maybe you can't fly to New Zealand yet. Okay. Can you take a one-hour flight?
Maybe you can't spend seven days sightseeing from morning until night. Okay. Can you arrive somewhere, give yourself the first day to settle your nerves, and plan only one or two activities?
Maybe asking someone out face-to-face feels impossible right now. Can you text them?
That still counts.
iiFear Works Better on a Volume Knob Than an On/Off Switch
In OCD, panic disorder, and anxiety treatment, we often organize fears into what is called a hierarchy.
Instead of dividing the world into:
I can do this / I can't do this
we ask:
How difficult is this from 0–10?
Something rated 2/10 might create mild discomfort. A 5/10 might make you genuinely anxious but still feel manageable. A 10/10 might feel completely overwhelming.
The goal isn't necessarily to start at zero. There wouldn't be much to practice. But we also don't always need to start at ten.
We want to find the place where fear is present, but you still have enough room to learn something from the experience.
iiiWhat an Anxiety Hierarchy Might Look Like
Let's use a fear of flying. Your hierarchy might look something like this:
- 2/10Watch airplanes taking off on YouTube. A little uncomfortable, but manageable.
- 3/10Look at flights online. Notice the anxiety without immediately closing the browser.
- 4/10Drive to the airport. Maybe park, watch the planes, and then leave.
- 5/10Spend time inside the airport. Walk around. Get some food. Allow yourself to experience the environment without needing to fly anywhere.
- 6/10Sit on a stationary airplane or use a flight simulator. Now you're getting closer to the actual sensations and environment that trigger the fear.
- 7/10Take a short, one-hour flight. Pick somewhere close enough that the flight feels challenging but realistic.
- 8/10Take a two- or three-hour flight. Now we're expanding the distance.
- 9/10Take a cross-country flight. You are practicing being farther from home and tolerating a longer period in the air.
- 10/10Take the international trip. New Zealand can wait.
The important thing is that every step gives your brain information. You are teaching yourself:
"I can feel fear and still move."
ivYour Hierarchy Is Supposed to Be Personal
These numbers are not universal. One person's 4/10 might be another person's 9/10.
For someone with a fear of dating, the hierarchy could look completely different. Maybe:
- 3/10Download a dating app
- 4/10Message someone you find attractive
- 5/10Ask someone out over text
- 6/10Go on a short coffee date
- 8/10Ask someone out in person
- 10/10Walk across a crowded room and introduce yourself to someone you're very attracted to
Suddenly, the thing that once seemed impossible becomes one step in a larger process.
And this is where people sometimes misunderstand courage. They think the person who eventually does the 10/10 exposure simply woke up one morning with more confidence.
Usually, that isn't what happened.
They trained.
vConfidence Usually Comes After the Action
I think we often wait for courage in the wrong order.
We tell ourselves: "When I feel confident enough, I'll do it."
But confidence often comes after we repeatedly do difficult things.
You do the 4/10. Then you do it again. Eventually, the 4 becomes a 2. So you try the 5. Then the 6.
Then maybe one day you realize that something you once considered a 10 doesn't feel like a 10 anymore.
You didn't magically become fearless. Your nervous system learned.
viYou Can Also Adjust the Experience
Breaking fears down doesn't only mean making the activity smaller. You can also change the conditions.
Maybe you're afraid to travel. Instead of flying somewhere for seven days, go for two. Instead of planning five activities every day, plan one. Instead of immediately traveling alone, travel with someone you trust.
Then maybe next time you spend a few hours exploring by yourself. Eventually, you might take the trip alone.
This isn't cheating. It is training.
viiYou Don't Always Have to Figure It Out Alone
Doing this on your own is not always feasible.
Sometimes it can be difficult to know whether you're pushing yourself too hard, avoiding too much, or building a hierarchy that actually targets the fear underneath the fear.
This is where working with a therapist can help.
A therapist can help you identify the core fears driving the anxiety, break those fears into manageable steps, and figure out which strategies are actually moving you toward greater freedom rather than becoming another form of avoidance.
The goal is not for the therapist to become another person you depend on to tell you that everything is safe.
The goal is to help you build a structure that eventually allows you to trust yourself more.
The point is not to prove how much suffering you can tolerate. The point is to gradually expand what your life is capable of holding.
viiiCourage Is Built Piece by Piece
All-or-nothing courage is mostly Hollywood fantasy. The hero faces the monster. The music swells. They take the giant leap. Roll credits.
Real courage is usually much less dramatic.
It looks like sending the text. Driving to the airport. Sitting with the discomfort for five more minutes. Taking the shorter flight. Going on the date even though your hands are shaking. Trying again after something didn't go well.
You slow the fear down. You break it apart. You find the level that is difficult but manageable. Then you work there.
And over time, something interesting happens.
People may eventually look at you doing something you once couldn't imagine doing and wonder how you became so courageous.
What they didn't see were all of the smaller steps. The 3/10s. The 4/10s. The awkward attempts. The moments where you wanted to turn around but stayed a little longer.
You didn't conquer fear in one heroic act.
You built courage bit by bit, piece by piece, until all those smaller pieces formed something much bigger.
— Sasha Feldman, LMFT —
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